Friday was our first status hearing. I had already been told by the caseworker that "nothing would change." That was *sort of* true. 10:00a: Jon and I arrived for a 10:30a hearing. Three hearings for three different cases are scheduled for the same time. I have NO idea how they determine what order to go in. We sat in the waiting room on the Child and Youth Services floor. We spent the next hour and 15 minutes waiting. We were sitting with the birth parents, their guardians and a GED teacher for birth mom. It may seem like it would be awkward, but it wasn't. We ask each other questions, talk about baby girl, etc. We have a good relationship with the birth family, which is important to us. Wherever baby girl ends up, we want whoever she DOESN'T end up with to be able to maintain contact to receive updates about baby girl and her life. 11:15a: We were moved to a different floor to wait outside the courtroom. Again, we did more waiting. At some point, our caseworker took the birth parents away for a drug test. 11:45a We were brought into the courtroom The entire hearing lasted 5 minutes and 11 seconds (yes, I timed it). Only two items were discussed: 1) The birth parents drug tests taken recently, including the one immediately preceding the hearing.
That was it. We go back to court in November for another hearing where the caseworker also doesn't expect anything to change. Only difference will be the caseworker will testify at the hearing instead of simply writing a "memo" summarizing the case. She told me today she's "looking forward to it." What about the change in visits?Our caseworker came out for her monthly visit today and I asked her about the change in joint visits.
Quick explanation: Before the hearing, the birth parents each received ONE individual hour and a TWO hour joint visit per week. As far as I could tell, there were two possible options for the county in changing joint visits: Option 1: Keep the TOTAL hours the same The birth parents each received a total of 3 hours a week with baby girl, 1 individual and 2 joint. The county could decide to keep the same number of hours they got to see her, which means instead of baby girl being in visitation for 4 hours total (1 hour for mom, 1 hour for dad and 2 hour joint), it would mean SIX hours (3 hours for mom and 3 hours for dad). Option 2: Keep the SCHEDULE of hours the same The schedule before the hearing was two 2 hour days. One day was back to back individual visits and the second day was the two hour joint. The county could decide simply to "split" the joint visits into 1 hour for birth mom and 1 hour for birth dad. This would mean baby girl would be attending the same amount of visit time she was previously, but mom and dad each receive 1 less hour a week with her. Obviously, I would prefer Option 2. Baby girl has not been herself after visits, which is not easy on either of us. Plus, in my mind, it seems unfair to force baby girl to attend more visit hours simply because mom and dad have decided they now hate each other and cannot co-parent (it was obvious to everyone the families are....contentious). Also, birth parents aren't doing what they are supposed to do in staying clean. Why reward bad behavior? The caseworker said as of right now, we're doing Option 2. Each parent gets two hours - separately - with her. It's not the 3 hours they were getting a week, but at least they will be separate as both parents requested. However, she hasn't received the official court order from the judge regarding the change in visits. Once she receives that, the visits may change depending on what the judge decided to write. For now, our focus is on this weekend when Jon and I are taking the kids on a long weekend trip to the beach. We are looking forward to spending time as a family, just the 4.5 of us ;)
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The previous post was about what was difficult about fostering. But if it was ALL negative, you'd wonder why we are doing it, right? So this post will hopefully shed some light on the joys of fostering, at least for us. This little girl is where all the joy is. It's a shame I can't show more of her gorgeous face because with each day that passes, it's like a ray of sunshine slowly peeking out from behind a storm cloud. Here are the top five joyous parts of this journey: 1. Watching Baby Girl grow and change. It's one of my favorite parts of being a parent and just being around children. I love watching in wonder as they change from the little, squishy (sometimes odd looking) creature they were when we met them, whether at birth or another stage of life, and see them change into an amazing human designed by God. Baby girl wasn't even full term when we met her, so she still looked like a squished alien. But 3 months later, she is growing into a breath-taking little girl, with the longest eyelashes, beautiful skin tone, and a smile that she is stingy with, but makes it SO worth it when she rewards us with it. 2. Seeing Ben begin to understand his role as big brother. It's difficult to predict how little kids or toddlers will react to the addition of another child in the house. Will they revert? Will they become defiant? Angry? Or, will they do what I think Ben has done, and rise to the occasion? Sure, it was not a smooth transition for him. He had moments of insecurity that manifested in frustrated shouts or cries or tantrums. But one thing that has never wavered is his adoration for "his baby". He kisses her, tickles her, puts her pacifier back in if she's crying. As soon as he hears her crying, he's quick to inform me that she needs her binky and I need to attend to her. It makes my heart soar to know that his care for others runs deep and, if nurtured, can blossom into a wonderful strength of his as he matures into a young adult. 3. Seeing Baby Girl learn new things. This is similar to #1, but deserves its own point. This is the part of parenting that I never knew existed: that I could find complete and utter joy in seeing my child learn or do something for the first time. My face nearly cracked into 1000 pieces when I saw Baby Girl make eye contact and smile for the first time. While it is heartbreaking her birth parents can't experience it, I feel honored that I have been chosen to be the one to experience it. I treasure each new milestone I get to witness. 4. The opening fostering has provided for sharing our story with others. When we started trying to have kids in 2011, I wanted my experience to help others. Educate, encourage, enlighten, etc. I feel the same about fostering. Whenever I'm out and about with Baby Girl, the most common question is: "How old is she?" I answer, but I usually then explain how she came to be in our care. It's typically a wonderful conversation - sometimes the person follows up with more questions out of interest. Other times, I am able to connect with someone over a shared experience in fostering or adoption. It's beautiful to be able to connect with people this way. 5. Establishing a relationship with the birth parents. This one may be a bit surprising. And is a two part explanation: a) Initially, the question might be: Wouldn't I want to keep my distance? Wouldn't it be hard to connect to people whose daughter I hope to raise? Actually, the exact opposite. I am so eternally grateful to them. This precious girl is a doll. A gift. A light in our lives. And her parents created her. She will always be tied to them and vice versa, so having an open, kind, trusting relationship with them means that Baby Girl will benefit from it. No matter the outcome of this scenario, all 4 of us (birth parents and foster parents) are forever tied to this little girl. We each have had an important role in her life so connecting with her birth parents is something meaningful to me. b) There's a reason I became a teacher. I love kids. I love forming relationships with them, finding out who they are, and watching them grow into amazing human beings. In this case, I know these birth parents aren't the well-rounded, privileged kids with positive, supportive role models I used to teach. So my heart goes out to them. I want to be a positive influence, no matter how small, in their lives. For all I know, I may be the only Christian they know. My role, which I see as an honor, is to be light in their lives. To show them the love of Christ, even for the brief few moments I see them before or after visits. Is fostering hard? Yes. But so are a lot of things. And just because things are hard, doesn't mean they aren't worth doing. Upcoming:
Next Friday is our first hearing for the case. We aren't sure what to expect, other than "nothing changing" as our caseworker put it. I'll be sure to post as much as I'm allowed about how it goes and what the process is like. Until then, please pray for wisdom for the caseworkers, county workers, supervisors, judges, basically anyone official involved in the case. That all the facts are presented accurately and nothing is hidden so that the judge can make the most informed decision about what is best for Baby Girl. |
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