Most of my days are filled with diaper changes, feeding 2.5 kids and a dog, getting the mail, and keeping a 3 year old entertained without hurting himself or his foster sister. Puzzles and the swingset and taking walks and playdoh. But there are hard days. Days that are consumed with frustration. Driving. Finding parking. Finding something to do for at least 2 hours in a city I'm not familiar/comfortable with Playing phone tag with a pediatrician not of my choosing. Emailing/calling caseworkers (with no response) This journey is hard. And it's long (think measuring in years and months, not weeks). I recently had to adjust our home schedule because the birth parents, who didn't attend school last year, have decided to get their GEDs and now twice a week, I'll be eating dinner alone instead of lunch. Thankfully, I'll at least be back to put Ben to bed. Each change in the process adds a level of uncertainty. Does this mean they will get her back? Is this enough for the court to let this continue longer? Will anyone see how much we love her and are doing for her? I'll admit it: I cry. Yes, I'm hormonal so that doesn't help, but I'm human. I'm going to say something that may or not be surprising: For us, fostering is harder than infertility. Infertility: When going through infertility, the heartache is real, but it is attached to a dream that isn't a reality yet. It is a longing for something that eludes you. You desperately want something that you can't seem to get or hold onto. You see everyone else around you becoming pregnant and becoming parents, wishing it could be you too. I personally struggled with feeling sorry for myself. Fostering: Instead of the child being a dream, the child exists. The child lives in your nursery, cries for you when upset, is fed by you, changed by you, loved by you. And you live every day not with the question of whether there will ever BE a child, but whether the child you already have come to know and love for who they are will be in your life temporarily or forever. I once explained it to someone like this: When you become pregnant, you begin to dream about that child. What will their favorite color be? What will their voice sound like? Will they be into sports? Music? Introverted or extroverted? As a foster mom, I have ALL those same questions about baby girl. The difference is that I may never know any of the answers. I may never know what her favorite color is or what her voice sounds like. I may never know what she gets involved in and what her personality is like. It's a constant sadness that sits in the back of my mind, even if I'm able to ignore it most of the time. This a roller coaster process. Nothing is for certain. For example, the birth parents could quit their GED classes next month. A new extended family member could surface and go through the process of getting custody. Every week there are new twists and turns, some more unsettling than others. All which unsettle me, but not God. I write all of this because, well, two reasons:
Would you pray for us? Pray that God grants us wisdom, comfort and perseverance. Pray that we handle each situation with people involved in the case with grace and kindness. Pray that God bring to light all facts in regards to the case, that there be no hidden information Pray that the birth parents come to know Christ as their Savior. Pray that the birth parents make wise decisions when it comes to baby girl and her future. Pray that God's will be done in the lives of everyone involved. The truth is, this isn't easy. But I wouldn't change it.
I'd rather love her entirely and temporarily than not at all.
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As expected, people have questions about our journey. I thought it might be helpful to put together the most asked questions in one post for everyone still following along.
Questions:
Click on a question to go directly to the answer 1. Where is she from? 2. How long does this take? 3. Does being pregnant affect our plans to adopt baby girl? 4. What are visits like? 5. How is everything going?
1. Where is she from? Unfortunately, due to privacy issues and that she is not legally our daughter, we can't publicly divulge that information. We need to protect her as much as possible. As the process unfolds, if we get closer to adoption, we may be able to share more details about her history and family.
2. How long does this take? We wish we knew, honestly. Every single case is different. We have her for certain in our care until November, when there is a status review hearing to discuss the progress being made on everyone's parts. While it is possible rights would be terminated at that time, it's highly unlikely. From all our research, if we are going to be able to adopt her, we will probably be in this process approximately 15 months. It's only been 2.
3. Does being pregnant affect our plans to (try to) adopt baby girl? 3 words: Not. At. All.
4. What are visits like? Bio mom and dad each get one individual visit and one joint visit per week. I have to drive to her hometown 45 minutes away twice a week for the visits. I don't sit in on them; I take her, drop her off, and pick her up when the visit it over. I provide necessities for her like bottles, formula, diapers, and a change of clothes, but bio parents are strongly encouraged to do this as a sign they are trying to parent her and be responsible. Emotionally, it's not easy. I understand the need for visitation, but it's heartbreaking if I sit in the lobby and can hear her crying or see that dad is using the changing pad as a blanket to hold her.
5. How is everything going? Honestly, there is no change day to day in our status. Nothing will be addressed until November. The only thing that changes is whether or not visits are cancelled. Until November, it's keeping a record of what happens at visits, doctor appointments, at home, etc. The hardest part of this process is emotional. It is a gut-wrenching feeling both rooting FOR and rooting AGAINST someone at the same time. We literally have no choice but to trust God and His plan for baby girl.
I want to end with a well written insight from a foster dad's blog I found. He describes the beauty and brokenness of foster care perfectly:
"Everything about foster care is equal parts good and bad, joy and sorrow, beauty and brokenness. It's a good day when a child is placed in your home. It represents safety, security and an opportunity for a child to be loved and cared for in a way they likely would not have had available to them otherwise. It's indeed a good day when a child is placed in your home - it's also a really bad day. It's a day marked by hurt and brokenness, that while so much gain has been made available to a child, it's ultimately loss that has led them to that point. Generational cycles of brokenness within families have perpetuated themselves now into the lives of the next generation - abuse, neglect and abandonment have become a part of their stories. They didn't ask for this, it was unjustly handed to them by those who were most responsible to protect them from the very things they've now been harmed by.
While the opportunity to love these kids is good, no doubt the circumstances that brought them to us are probably very, very bad. This is where the call to foster care begins, what it exposes us to and the perspective it demands we keep in order to rightly and lovingly care for vulnerable kids." jasonjohnsonblog.com/blog/the-beauty-and-brokenness-of-foster-care#.XUSgvehKhyw= |
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June 2021
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