Most of my days are filled with diaper changes, feeding 2.5 kids and a dog, getting the mail, and keeping a 3 year old entertained without hurting himself or his foster sister. Puzzles and the swingset and taking walks and playdoh. But there are hard days. Days that are consumed with frustration. Driving. Finding parking. Finding something to do for at least 2 hours in a city I'm not familiar/comfortable with Playing phone tag with a pediatrician not of my choosing. Emailing/calling caseworkers (with no response) This journey is hard. And it's long (think measuring in years and months, not weeks). I recently had to adjust our home schedule because the birth parents, who didn't attend school last year, have decided to get their GEDs and now twice a week, I'll be eating dinner alone instead of lunch. Thankfully, I'll at least be back to put Ben to bed. Each change in the process adds a level of uncertainty. Does this mean they will get her back? Is this enough for the court to let this continue longer? Will anyone see how much we love her and are doing for her? I'll admit it: I cry. Yes, I'm hormonal so that doesn't help, but I'm human. I'm going to say something that may or not be surprising: For us, fostering is harder than infertility. Infertility: When going through infertility, the heartache is real, but it is attached to a dream that isn't a reality yet. It is a longing for something that eludes you. You desperately want something that you can't seem to get or hold onto. You see everyone else around you becoming pregnant and becoming parents, wishing it could be you too. I personally struggled with feeling sorry for myself. Fostering: Instead of the child being a dream, the child exists. The child lives in your nursery, cries for you when upset, is fed by you, changed by you, loved by you. And you live every day not with the question of whether there will ever BE a child, but whether the child you already have come to know and love for who they are will be in your life temporarily or forever. I once explained it to someone like this: When you become pregnant, you begin to dream about that child. What will their favorite color be? What will their voice sound like? Will they be into sports? Music? Introverted or extroverted? As a foster mom, I have ALL those same questions about baby girl. The difference is that I may never know any of the answers. I may never know what her favorite color is or what her voice sounds like. I may never know what she gets involved in and what her personality is like. It's a constant sadness that sits in the back of my mind, even if I'm able to ignore it most of the time. This a roller coaster process. Nothing is for certain. For example, the birth parents could quit their GED classes next month. A new extended family member could surface and go through the process of getting custody. Every week there are new twists and turns, some more unsettling than others. All which unsettle me, but not God. I write all of this because, well, two reasons:
Would you pray for us? Pray that God grants us wisdom, comfort and perseverance. Pray that we handle each situation with people involved in the case with grace and kindness. Pray that God bring to light all facts in regards to the case, that there be no hidden information Pray that the birth parents come to know Christ as their Savior. Pray that the birth parents make wise decisions when it comes to baby girl and her future. Pray that God's will be done in the lives of everyone involved. The truth is, this isn't easy. But I wouldn't change it.
I'd rather love her entirely and temporarily than not at all.
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